BRISBANE AND SYDNEY TOUR: MATTS VERSION OF THE EVENTS

On the weekend we all went on tour to Sydney and Brisbane. I will now recount some of the highlights for me:

1. In Adelaide airport whilst trying to leave I got bomb checked and apparently had T.N.T. on me. I assume it starts sweating out of your skin when you are on tour with a rock band, but thanks to that I had to get an additional 5 bomb checks on me. Luckily I passed those. The rest of the band got through fine because they are all pretty boring people.

2. After playing an amazing set at Rics bar in Brisbane, Nic and Marcin with a nice man named Todd, decided to go to a Burlesque Bar. Im pretty sure this was mostly Nics idea as he seemed quite excited by the prospect and tried to convince me to come explaining that it was not a strip joint but a much more classy version oh a nice stage show. I declined preferring to stay and drink with my many fans. They returned about 20 minutes later declaring the Burlesque Bar to be shit. 'It cost me ten bucks and they didnt even have any fukin clowns there!!!' said Nic after a very disappointing experience.

3. Whilst smoking outside the Hopetoun hotel in Sydney I ashed my cigarette to the side of me. A few seconds later a woman was yelling at me for ashing on her baby! She was pretty pissed off. She had been walking a pram past me at the time. I apologised but looking at the pram I noticed a large black veil over the pram and no baby in site. I have a feeling it was actually full of cans. The woman looked insane anyway, probably some sort of convict.

4. Nic, Steph and I caught a cab near Railway Square in Sydney and about 10 seconds into our journey the cab driver had managed to drive the cab over a small wall. Unfortunately he got stuck half way over as 3 of the wheels were off the ground. We all had to get out and help push it off the wall. A German tourist ran to our aid and told us how to get it off the wall. I assume that cars always get stuck on walls in Germany. What with that big wall they used to have there. Anyway the taxi was a bit fucked but he still drove us back to where we were staying.

5. After doing a very intimate and breath taking version of '(Ive forgotten how) To Make You Cum', a man jumped onto the stage and told me the best way to make a girl cum was to blow on the back of their necks. He then demonstrated by doing it to me. I didnt have an orgasm but it did feel quite nice. He later stole Stephs beer from the stage. She was quite angry. Im not sure if it was because the beer was stolen or because I failed to orgasm.

6. Steve got called 'Intense' by both James and Eliza, the two people who helped mastermind our tour. This made Steve quite paranoid about being thought of as intense by people he had never met. Im not sure what he did about it but he did do a lot of shouting randomly at people. Including another German who tried to bargain with him for a CD.

7. Finally after playin in Brisbane a couple came up to me and the lady said "I wanna buy your cd cause you guys sound just like Cake!!" I was a bit suprised by the comparison but luckily her boyfriend said "they dont sound like fuking Cake, they sound like the Dead Kennedys!!!" Anyway they bought a cd and now I can put on our Bio's that we sound like a cross between Cake and The Dead Kennedys. Something Im sure a lot of bands aspire too.

Im sure more fun things happened that I cant remember. I think Steph will put up some piccys. Good times tho. Good times.

Our new video, directed by Nick Walton and Steph Crase and edited by Nigel Koop.

"Die for Something" from our new album "Too Much or Not Enough"

Matt smells

Contrary to what he says, the only one who mocked Nick for his haircut was Matt, and that was out of jealousy. For the rest of us it was like a scene out of one of those films where the dork takes off their glasses and they're totally hot. Except Nick was already totally hot.

Sometimes I think that when Matt was putting this band together he wanted it to be like that film clip by, I think, Robert Palmer - the guy who did the film flip with him singing and a bunch of models all pretending to play guitars in the back ground. Shania Twain or whatever her name was did something similar from memory. That would certainly explain the 'uniforms' he's been trying to get us to wear lately.

Emo Nic

We had a nice little band practice last night. Nic came armed with a new haircut that he had gotten that day. Short at the back with a long fringe at the front. I pointed out that it looked a bit 'emo'. Then we all laughed and taunted him for being an emo boy.

He shouted that he doesnt even know what emo is and that it wasnt fair and that he told the hairdresser not to make him look emo.

Poor old Nic. The night ended with him trying to fit himself into the new bar fridge that is in the practice room. It was a sorry sight but a fitting way for an emo kid to try and kill himself.

Didnt work tho, like all emo kids, he is still alive and angsty.

Steph and FBI

After the show the other night we all broke into this building site to steal a bunch of concrete mixers. These Rottweilers ran over and Steph just biffed them. One minute they were snarling and charging towards us and the next minute they were pretty much glorified bean bags. It was bizarre. I've never seen anyone sucker punch a Rottweiler before.

I just got a message from Matt about the new album, the one with his face on the front cover, being added to the play list for Sydney radio station FBI. Apparently this means we'll soon be immensely famous. You can tell you're immensely famous because, as per the Okkerville River show the other night, the audience is full of the most reprehensible fan boys one can feasibly imagine. Seriously, what kind of dork tries to start a mosh pit to alt country?

Ianto's Thick Head

Saturday night saw the band support Okkervil River and Jack Ladder. Both very good acts indeed.Highlights from our show included:

A new song which was stuffed up towards the end by Marcin. Apparently he forgot that he had to play a chord. I am still awaiting his resignation

An amazing version of Jump by Van Halen which we will never play again. Steph did her best to sabotage this but we all drowned her out with pure riffing.

I think I damaged one of the microphones whilst swinging it around. It hit something, not sure what but i put a hefty dent in the end of it. whoops. It almost hit Ianto in the head as well, but he didnt notice luckily. I doubt he would have even if it had hit him. All the cycling has made him pretty thick.

I got drunk and forgot to pick up the money we were gonna get paid. Whoops.

AND we managed to sell 2 cds. A new band record!!

Nick's Butt and Matt's Face

My grandparents are having their mutual birthdays this week, so my mother and I went up to visit them. And my mother wanted to give them a copy of the new No Through Road CD as an example of what their grandson does with his life. So I gave them one of the promotional copies I'd been given. Mostly they were impressed. There was, however, some contention about the front cover. They were too polite to say anything other than "Oh. That's an interesting photo."

I think the decision to put the only ugly member of the band on the front of the album was, perhaps, a mistake.

Also, in regards to Nick's hotpants; can you really blame me? That's what should have been on the front cover. Phwoar. His butt is like the Helen of Troy for a new generation. People wage wars over that sort of thing.